I don't know if anyone's ever had the experience of watching life go by you, but it is the weirdest feeling. After going through a nervous breakdown and total burnout in the counseling world, I learned that there was no way I could see 100 clients a month, work in crisis care, and be sane. I was becoming angry and short with everyone, and new it was time for a change.
From being an always leader to a follower was a strange transition. I remember seeing people rushing by me and was so slow in a healing time.
More time waiting...for what's next feels so hard. Living in the slow is really good but definately countercultural. These deep times have made me cry when I think.. what's up? Why does it seem so long for what I prayed for to happen?
Maybe it's what I'm learning and living now that counts. Stepping back to take a hard look at what my priorities are is what God allowed me to do.
Don't get me wrong, I still from time to time struggle with feeling like I need to fit in (with what?), deal with being myself with all the societal pressure on women to be nice and look pretty. Well, I can tell you, I'm not always nice, I'm impatient, judgemental, and get annoyed at people easily...BUT, I am thankful, it's ok. When something inside says I have to be this perfect person (whatever that is), look great all the time, always be taking care of everyone...I stop, and realize...no.
Change hurts. Realizing I have such value and am loved for more than the outside or what people may think about me, is freeing.
I don't have to be accepted by others to be loved by God. When my heart is so quick to assume something about others, to open up and take the time to really get to know them, is like an onion with layer after layer peeling off.
Saying NO to a history of performance, control, worth based on accomplishments, perfectionism, legalism, and judgemental Christianity and yes to learning more about myself...sometimes the hard way...and more about what a real relationship with Jesus really is is a process, but standing on what I know is true means I don't have to figure it all out all the time. That trap of performance based spirituality and image comes knocking often, but I have to remind myself...there's nothing I can do to be loved more. I just am.
FREEDOM.
From being an always leader to a follower was a strange transition. I remember seeing people rushing by me and was so slow in a healing time.
More time waiting...for what's next feels so hard. Living in the slow is really good but definately countercultural. These deep times have made me cry when I think.. what's up? Why does it seem so long for what I prayed for to happen?
Maybe it's what I'm learning and living now that counts. Stepping back to take a hard look at what my priorities are is what God allowed me to do.
Don't get me wrong, I still from time to time struggle with feeling like I need to fit in (with what?), deal with being myself with all the societal pressure on women to be nice and look pretty. Well, I can tell you, I'm not always nice, I'm impatient, judgemental, and get annoyed at people easily...BUT, I am thankful, it's ok. When something inside says I have to be this perfect person (whatever that is), look great all the time, always be taking care of everyone...I stop, and realize...no.
Change hurts. Realizing I have such value and am loved for more than the outside or what people may think about me, is freeing.
I don't have to be accepted by others to be loved by God. When my heart is so quick to assume something about others, to open up and take the time to really get to know them, is like an onion with layer after layer peeling off.
Saying NO to a history of performance, control, worth based on accomplishments, perfectionism, legalism, and judgemental Christianity and yes to learning more about myself...sometimes the hard way...and more about what a real relationship with Jesus really is is a process, but standing on what I know is true means I don't have to figure it all out all the time. That trap of performance based spirituality and image comes knocking often, but I have to remind myself...there's nothing I can do to be loved more. I just am.
FREEDOM.
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