Back into Society

I don't know if anyone's ever had the experience of watching life go by you, but it is the weirdest feeling. After going through a nervous breakdown and total burnout in the counseling world, I learned that there was no way I could see 100 clients a month, work in crisis care, and be sane. I was becoming angry and short with everyone, and new it was time for a change.
From being an always leader to a follower was a strange transition. I remember seeing people rushing by me and was so slow in a healing time.

More time waiting...for what's next feels so hard. Living in the slow is really good but definately countercultural. These deep times have made me cry when I think.. what's up? Why does it seem so long for what I prayed for to happen?
Maybe it's what I'm learning and living now that counts. Stepping back to take a hard look at what my priorities are is what God allowed me to do.

Don't get me wrong, I still from time to time struggle with feeling like I need to fit in (with what?), deal with being myself with all the societal pressure on women to be nice and look pretty. Well, I can tell you, I'm not always nice, I'm impatient, judgemental, and get annoyed at people easily...BUT, I am thankful, it's ok. When something inside says I have to be this perfect person (whatever that is), look great all the time, always be taking care of everyone...I stop, and realize...no.
Change hurts. Realizing I have such value and am loved for more than the outside or what people may think about me, is freeing.

I don't have to be accepted by others to be loved by God. When my heart is so quick to assume something about others, to open up and take the time to really get to know them, is like an onion with layer after layer peeling off.

Saying NO to a history of performance, control, worth based on accomplishments, perfectionism, legalism, and judgemental Christianity and yes to learning more about myself...sometimes the hard way...and more about what a real relationship with Jesus really is is a process, but standing on what I know is true means I don't have to figure it all out all the time. That trap of performance based spirituality and image comes knocking often, but I have to remind myself...there's nothing I can do to be loved more. I just am.

FREEDOM.

Where Is The Love?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpYeekQkAdc

Where is the Love?

Love, ..a choice? I heard someone talk the other day about how love isn't only through words, but actions too. I know it is harder to love those closest to me than strangers...and I wonder to myself, "why?" After having a deep conversation with some friends the other night, it made me think. 

There are some things I have been learning about LOVE lately:

Love can be communication. If I don't communicate, I can only assume. Love takes time to build, as does trust, which feels like that is a huge part of love too...building trust. I don't think I really felt like I had to prove myself as a kid. I just played. As an adult, I see where I live;;;in a performance based society. I know I have to prove myself on the job, and it's been new to learn to NOT perform in down time. Like, doing things just because...just to enjoy. Getting back to digging in the dirt, painting, writing, especially writing.
Love can be...being real, digging up dirt on myself and exposing it because I can relate to you and you can relate to me, as we learn how to grow.
Love is...feeling vulnerable because I've just put myself out there. It doesn't always feel good, but it unites.

I found myself having expectations for people that just weren't being met, and for myself, for that matter. So, it hit me. I'm realizing, it's time to let go of those and just enjoy people for the good qualities. On the phone today, waiting to see if I could get on a payment plan for huge medical bills, and stressed about it, the operator reminded me that it's important to "learn to ask for what you need" as she described a surgery she had that cost her over $50,000!! Learn to ask for what you need. Sometimes, I assume people somehow know that, or they can read my brain or something. Maybe another part of love is asking for what you need, and also knowing what you can give, and can't give. 

Love is...just listening, even when it's a long listen.

Love can be...just taking care of things and respecting every thing and person.

Love is...slowing down to really face people, and not just rush past them.

Love is...accepting myself when I see more of the 'junk', but really being ok with accepting imperfection as perfection.

I feel like people didn't used to be so fast or hurried. It feels a little bit colder, like conversations are just transactions, on the way to somewhere else. WHICH IS WHY I am thankful for friends that talk face to face, without their cell phones in front of them, people that teach me how to learn the art of relaxing, and just being in the world.

As I have had more time at home recently, in between jobs, I have, for the first time ever, experienced what it is like to be...slow, and to face myself. It is not easy, when all around me says to be 'something," I have to be fast, always producing, and busy. 

Yet, the learning lessons when you slow down are huge. The beauty in drinking iced tea in the sunshine, resting, and destroying the mental myth that this is lazy. I'm still learning how to accept my own culture, for some reason, but it is a process. 

Oh yeah, and love can be...just the mundane..making it special.

When was the last time you turned the phone off and just focused on someone else?

What is one thing you did today that was slow?

How do you feel when you slow down?

What is one thing that inspires you?

Love, 

Me

What's the meaning? Where are your values?

Thinking, and over thinking, alot about what success is. In the past, success around me told me looking good, being busy, having more...was.
Now, I'm like, "What can I she'd that weighs me down to work toward what really matters?"
What really matters to you?
I know for me, it's not in the clothes, perfectly manicured nails, heels, and $5 lattes...don't get me wrong, I do like a good chai tea, but that's not the point.
What I'm saying is that the superficoal and chasing stuff...never fills me. It only makes me more stressed, more annoyed at people, more rushed, and less appreciation for beauty in life. I struggle with what all around me says a wOman should be, and I do desire to be beautiful, but I more desire to be working in my purpose and enjoying this short time here than focused on stuff. So, for all the people who feel you don't measure up, or compare yourselves to others to try to measure up to your perceived definition of success, remember...you are your own brand of beautiful and the world needs that!!

Be not conformed to the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mond, then you will be able to test what God's perfect will is!!:)
 Happy shining.

Keep It Movin'

I visited a friend from the past today and she reminded me of a funny story from High School.
Picture this:
Wizard of Oz- Good witch, Glenda in pink puffy dress that looked like a cupcake. I'm walking across the stage to get Toto as he is barking. My dress gets caught on the edge of the cardboard tree prop, "I hear you Toto, but the tree is moving!"
Keep it movin'....the theme of life!
When it looks hard, when it gets hard...never give up! When it gets hard, it will always get better.

For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you, not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Connect

Coming from a fast paced world of work to being unemployed searching for work, I finally am learning that I don't have to go so fast! That's what I saw with working people so hard and burning them out, which leads to health issues or even hospitalization. Is it really worth it God? I ask. It's the battle between not doing anything and not doing too much. Maybe that is the eternal search for balance.
 In the small town area here, it is a lot slower. I wouldn't trade the slower pace and building real connections with the disconnected speed life. Chaos is everywhere and to keep up with life and bills, things have to be done. But, is it worth killing yourself over at a hyper speed pace.
As an overachiever, I am learning to slow down and it actually makes my work more productive and thorough. I know that I need a challenge so I started my own business and these are some things I am learning from slowing down.
- It's hard to be your own boss. You gotta push through it!
- Your worth isn't based on your job. The value comes from God.
-I can actually taste and enjoy my food.
-Its nice to linger with someone and talk instead of rushing off.
- I can really 'see' the person in business and talk with them instead of rushing off.
- I meet more friends.
- I can take a nap.
- It allows you to really take inventory of all the things in your life and decide which ones are necessary.

I can Sing

At the Hope Center the other day and walked in to see a woman packaging honey. Usually, the kitchen is full and busy as we bag up produce to pass out to families in the community. Today, no one was there, except a woman with a big smile on her face. She showed me what to do, and we started talking. I listened to her story as she told about going to prison, then the mental institution and her hopes and dreams for learning again with a 4th grade reading level. She was moving soon, nearer to her family, and was so happy. She asked me if I wanted to hear her songs she made up when she was very low in prison. I listened as she sang...beautiful, peaceful voice. She has a son. "He brings home any color of girlfriend," she says, laughing. We find out we like the same music and listen to some tunes by Yolanda Adams and Donnie McClurkin while we work.
Connection over honey. I think of all the people who are tucked away that nobody sees, with so many hidden gifts and treasures to share with the world.
I was also humbled because I realized how priveleged I was to have had a college education. It also made me think, though, that no degree makes you important, no status, no title. We all have value in God's eyes.

There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.-Galatians 3:28

Back to the Roots

As I recently moved back to my hometown, it's like entering into a new culture. After living the city life for so long, I laughed as I noticed I didn't know how to slow down here. I bet it takes about a year!!
Some musings on the difference between here and there:

People in the city are out and about more...literally out on porches, working and say hi and strike up a conversation.
In the country, we say HI, but in the suburbs, people are mostly in their house. Whenever I walk, I feel like I am the only one on the planet in the neighborhood.

In the city, I would have guys yell out the window. Here guys, smile and say HI.

City- DIVERSITY. People don't look like me.
Here- not much. People look like me.

Country- When I can go in the backyard, cross the creek, and discover a hiking trail and walk it with my cup of sweet coffee without seeing another soul and seeing many varieties of birds and some deer.
City- When I can get in my car and go to the local coffee shop full of people and see people walking dogs.

Country- Family value. Eating together...the classic meat n potatoes, roast and mashed potatoes meal and always a big pitcher of iced tea, especially on Sundays. Playing games at meal time.
City- Visiting friends houses for meals and visiting cultural events.

Country- In a way, country talk and city talk seem similar. I see my family pace similar to the pace of the culture I came from in the city.

Country...um, Confederate Flags:(.
City....Black Lives Matter Yard Signs

Country...WalMart Clothes shopping
City....Awesome vintage and resale

Country...Hard work, and nice things; wealth
City...more visible poverty

Country- light colors of dress
City- Black dress

Country- absolute quiet at night, stars, and calm
City- Absolute NOISE at night, cars driving by, and busy

Country- BE, BE, BE
City- DO, DO, DO

Country- "them" and conversation with racism twinged statements
City- Positive conversations about racism; honesty

Country- the one and only drive through "Hit N Run" with frozen cherry Pepsi's
City- Café Style QT's

Country- little donut shops and a church on every corner
City- Quaint coffee shops and bakeries on every corner